the world of schmuun

destroy past

friday ; 16th july, 2010

Hello Again World.

My life spins at a hundred thousand miles per hour.

I freak out a lot.

Bipolar maybes? Hmmmms??



1 grass ; white walls

tuesday ; 1st november, 2005

making their fortunes selling second-hand tobacco
song analysis for Brian Eno - Baby's on FireCollapse )
3 grass ; white walls

sunday ; 11th september, 2005

I started this journal just short of four years ago. 778 entries. I feel like that chapter of my life is over, and I don't feel like this name is very appropriate for who I am at the moment. Therefore, I've moved my journal to natarajsiva. If I didn't add you it's because I didn't often read your journal, you haven't updated in months, or we haven't spoken in months. If you would still like to read my journal and have access to my occasional friends-only posts, comment in the journal and I'll add you. You must also do a dance.

For ease of adding me at that name, I've got the link right here:

I'm keeping this journal active, because I don't want to lose the four years of journaling I've done in here. I've defriended everyone though, and would suggest you defriend wenchboy and add natarajsiva.

the end
white walls

thursday ; 8th september, 2005

Sri Ganesha, lord of beginnings and obstacles

I found this while looking for pictures of Hindu deities. Uhhhhhhhh, creepy?

I'm using my rice-o-matic that I bought from a Parsons student last semester. I'm excited but I put too much rice in so it's taking a long long time. I've now been to all the classes I originally signed up for, although my schedule may change. Almost definitely I will be taking Voice from the general studies division starting on the 28th. I may drop my theatre class, that's very uncertain right now. The way it is, I have my wacky, energetic professors on Mon/Wed and my subdued, scholarly profs Tues/Thurs. I like that a lot, it gives it a sort of punctuation. My Public Radio Culture prof has a delightful British accent, as well as a very interesting vocabulary that's as unusual as it is large. She also dresses horribly, but in the way that makes her really lovable.

I'm reading about the Hindu puja ritual, which is a cornerstone of modern Hindu practice. It's so beautiful and symbolic that I can't help but fall in love with it. The entire religion is full of multiplicity and thin boundries between divinity and humanity. One god can be many, many gods could be considered the form of one, there are 330 million forms of Shiva, humans can become divine, gods can become more human. Husband and wife are divine on their wedding day. When a Brahman priest is worshipping Shiva (for example), he actually becomes a form of the god and worships himself as Shiva. Nothing is set in stone. Everyone will have their own interpretation of what certain symbols mean, everyone has different rituals. Everything is so complex and metaphorical. I'm so down with Hinduism.

As my rice finished cooking, I realized I had no bowl to eat it out of. I found a salad bar container from earlier today and double-stacked it. It worked wonderfully, and now I feel like I've been crammed full. There's more rice too, I'm not sure what to do with it. Can I save it? We shall see.
5 grass ; white walls

tuesday ; 6th september, 2005

you go forwards, i'll go backwards, somewhere we will meet
poetry, old and newCollapse )

I read Solaris by Stanislaw Lem in less than 24 hours. I suggest it tremendously, especially if you've ever liked any science fiction. I want to go back to Yorktown and find my 10th grade english teacher, Mrs. Teunis and tell her to teach this instead of fucking Jurrasic Park. The writing is better and more in depth; the science is more thought out and complex. As one friend, being perhaps unnecessarily specific, once told me, there are two kinds of art, destructive and architectual. Some art is focused on deconstruction and some art is focused on construction. This is a novel of construction, much like the Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson. He creates a world and the necessary, albeit partially fabricated, science to support it. His use of parable is subtle and well-executed. I've seen the Tarkovsky film version, but not the one with George Clooney (alas!). The movie actually is very similar the novel, only instead of its power lying in the well-described and detailed world, it is in Tarkovsky's brilliant cinematography and direction. Being vaguely aware of Tarkovsky's goal in directing, it's obvious why he chose a Stanislaw Lem story for his film. Lem was a Polish writer who, apparently, disliked American science fiction and was more interested in using the Other as a mirror for the Self than simply exploring the Other for its own sake. Introspective science fiction, I guess. In my 1970 edition of 211 pages, he manages to accomplish more than an average writer could in 500 pages. The complexity of the environment and characters (the protagonist is no simple protagonist, nor is there any clear enemy or savior) is testiment to the skill of Lem, and I shall look forward to reading more by him.

"Perhaps not since Richard M. Nixon faced Vietnam-era tumult abroad and at home has an American president had to meet quite the combination of foreign and domestic tribulations and politcal division that President Bush now confronts, from the Persian Gulf to the Gulf Coats to Capitol Hill" (New York Times, 09-05-05, A15).

"Presidnet Bush said Sunday that he would act quickly to replace Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist, whose death late Saturday opened a second vacancy on the Supreme Court and a new front in the ideological battle over the judiciary." (same paper, A1)

We live in a crazy time. More than once, people have mentioned that revolution doesn't happen until people are starving. They can be misled, abused, and deprived of rights out the nose, but until masses are starving people will take it all. I never thought it would happen, didn't even bother knocking on wood. It seemed absolutely impossible to me that an entire city (not to mention those in the surrounding area) in my country would be starving, abandoned, and dying. Now the issues are finally being illuminated. Classism/racism, the illusory dedication to the safety of the American people, the lack of organization of the power structure, the unqualified and mismanaging people who have key power positions (like the head of FEMA), and, as always, Bush's lack of eloquence when talking about sensitive issues all being discussed, finally, all together. The legacy of 9-11 has saved him many a time, but on what grounds? What exactly did he DO in terms of positive action. The event was more or less isolated and it was clear what needed to be done, mostly by firefighters and volunteers. Bush gave a speech. Words may have helped soothe an uneasy nation, but they will not help feed, relocate, or ressurrect those who are suffering or dead, nor will they help pay for it. Maybe now he won't be able to speed his friends into major UN positions or be allowed to fill the Supreme Court with sleeper stealth conservatives whose interests are keeping the poor poor, the rich rich, and religious conservatives happy, fat, and powerful. Oh haha I just had a fantasy about the world not being filled with corrupt, manipulative assholes, ho ho ho.

My first class is tomorrow at 10. This class may make having a job very difficult, with its alleged huge reading list. It's like I'm going to a real college!

(you can write, but you can't) EDIT: I lied, my class tomorrow is at 2, because it's Tuesday and not Monday. It's my Religions of India class, followed by Public Radio Culture. I'm debating whether or not at some point if I'll wear my Ganesh shirt to that class. I plan on getting a shirt with a mandala on it, which I would definitely wear. I personally identify with many dieties from different religions, especially Ganesha, but feel as though I am not allowed to express that. I'm so afraid of being misinterpreted.
3 grass ; white walls

sunday ; 4th september, 2005

white walls

saturday ; 3rd september, 2005

I don't watch tv or read newspapers or anything, so I'd only heard things about Katrina through people mentioning it. I thought they were exaggerating when they said New Orleans was destroyed, but it's actually obliterated. And there's looting, raping, murder, trigger-happy police, fires, areas where the flooding is 20 feet deep. It feels like the world is coming to an end. 9-11, London, Katrina, Iraq, oil running out, social security. I was wondering earlier how soon oil will run out, and where I'll be when it does. At least in quantities that can support businesses as well as the millions of SUVs on the road. SUVs are perhaps the most absurd aspect of Americana. Hey, as oil prices are rising because the limited, unreplenishable supply is running out let's all buy one or more vechiles that use energy at a much less efficient rate than other vechiles because of their power and size originally used for travelling in areas with uneven roads and inclimate weather even though we're driving on well-tended suburban and urban roads to our jobs, something a scooter could do just as effectively. I'm sorry, I wasn't talking about that.

I feel uneasy about it all.
Read more...Collapse )
1 grass ; white walls

monday ; 29th august, 2005

this was written over the period of two days, because i'm lazy
"and it's alright if we eat all the apples from the knowledge tree bowl
the fact that they're plastic shouldn't deter us at all
i grabbed my sharpie and wrote my message on the wall
regina was here, regina was here

yeah i was here but now i've gone to take a walk
and i won't be back cause it's a lovely day
and none of us know how long we've got to stay"

I wish I hadn't lost a book that I got from the arlington public library, cause now I can't go there. :(

Washington state is beautiful. I don't really feel like going into it but I also don't want to forget the thoughts I have about it. I went up to this place called Hurricane Ridge where you have this amazing view of the Olympic mountain range on the pennisula of Washington. It takes about 45 minutes of driving to get up to the top from the entrance to the park. We were really close to these deer, my aunt Janet was walking along side them for a minute or two.

I also walked out on this thing called the dungeness spit, which was a really long stretch of sand with water on both sides. It's a little over five miles long. There's all this really old driftwood in the middle of it, protected from being drawn out into the water, and so it's been bleached white by the sun. It's like a endless tree boneyard stretching out into the water with birds all around. It was also really foggy when we were there, but after about 40 minutes it cleared up, and then when we came back it got foggy again. It was like stepping into another world.

I've finally finished the picture of dorian gray. Not really all that skillfully written, I'm a little confused about why it's so popular. I dare say it's just Oscar Wilde using literature as a forum for his ideas about art, life, victorianism, etc. I find Victorians dreadfully boring. I'm hoping that when I get around to reading Salome entirely it will be more rewarding than this was.

I'm thinking of transferring to Evergreen College in Washington. I'm still not sure about it, but I hope to decide in the next... two months? I would have to visit and apply and all that. I would again end up entering the school at a strange time, but they have quarters instead of semesters so perhaps it wouldn't be too awkward. The school reminds me a lot of Sarah Lawrence in it's classes, setting, and atmosphere. They have a farm on campus where they grow organic food! Delicious! Anyway I'm not at all certain about it, but am seriously considering it.

I am in training to become a cat whisperer. I'm not sure if that transfers over to other animals yet, but I'll find out. And then I'll tell you. Then you will tell your friends and together we'll start a revolution. That's me, you, and your friends. No one else is allowed. Except of course lots and lots of kittens and cats. Mroaw.

I'm going to miss Pookie and Cassie terribly. My mom doesn't really give them any attention, barely pets them, and when she does pet them it's forceful and quickly done with. Pookie's napping on my lap right now, and I have stuff I could be/should be doing (since I'm probably leaving at 10:35 tomorrow), but I'm letting him stay because I don't know when the next time will be. Sometimes the looks he gives me break my heart. There's no one else, not even Cassie, that he can just hang out near and feel comfortable. Not to mention that no one really pays any attention to him or pets him much. My mom talks to the cats in the morning but is always tired at night and more interested in her boyfriend than the cats. I need to get pictures of them to keep with me.

My room is almost totally clean. Which is kind of amazing.

I got some kick ass shirts. One has Shree Ganesha with aum symbols around him on soft yellow fabric. The other has two cartoony birds on the breast of the shirt flying outwards. I feel like I'm emblazened with a family coat of arms when I'm wearing it.
5 grass ; white walls

saturday ; 20th august, 2005

going to seattle in a few hours

Damn whadda hottie. The glasses in the "relaxed" position on his forehead is so stylin. He knows what the ladies like

According to Jung:

The collective unconscious is gridwork/blueprint of the pysche
like DNA is the gridwork/blueprint of our physical existence

Just as all humans share a common physical heritage and predisposition towards specific physical forms (like having two legs, a heart, etc.) so do all humans have a common psychological predisposition. Our physical predispostions are determined by our DNA, while our psychological predispositions are stored in the collective unconscious.

Like the human genome project that took on the tremedous labor of analyzing the information stored in the human DNA, Jung took on the even more extensive task of exploring and attempting to discern the mysteries stored in the collective unconscious. However, unlike the simple, quantifiable information that composes DNA (in the form of coded sequences of nucleotides), the collective unconscious is composed of archetypes. In sharp contrast to the objective material world, the world of the archetypes can not be adequately understood through quantitative modes of research. Instead it can only begin to be revealed through an examination of the symbolic communications of the human psyche--in art, dreams, religion, myth, and the themes of human relational/behavioral patterns. Devoting his life to the task of exploring and understanding the collective unconscious, Jung discovered that certain symbolic themes existed across all cultures, all epochs, and in every individual. Together these symbolic themes comprise "the archetypes of the collective unconscious."

sweet. Now I realized why so many people who love Aleister Crowley love Jung. I bet all the Jung fans would freak out if I told them to look into Aleister Crowley.

Jung identified the anima as being the unconscious feminine component of men and the animus as the unconscious masculine component in women. (Many modern day Jungian practitioners believe that every person has both an anima and an animus). Jung stated that the anima and animus act as guides to the unconscious unified Self, and that forming an awareness and a connection with the anima or animus is one of the most difficult and rewarding steps in psychological growth. ...

Oftentimes, if people ignore the anima complex, the anima will vie for attention by projecting itself onto others. This explains, according to Jung, why we are sometimes immediately attracted to certain strangers: we see our anima or animus in them. Love at first sight is an example of anima and animus projection. Moreover, people who strongly identify with their gender role (e.g. a man who acts aggressively and never cries) have not developed any significant relationship with either their anima or animus.

I've got to agree with him there. I think that gender roles are largely in the mind of a person. It's not that a man is someone who burps and will lift heavy things for fun, but that you think a man is someone who burps etc. Your idea of man is someone who burps, but that's just your perception. Someone who lives on the other side of the world wouldn't think the same, and someone next door might not think the same either. Gender itself isn't an illusion, but gender roles are.

It was at about this stage in his life that Jung visited India, and while there, had dreams related to King Arthur. This convinced him that his agenda should be to pay more attention to Western spirituality, and his later writings do show deep interests in Western mystery tradition and esoteric Christianity, and especially alchemy.

i fucking called it.

The orientation of extrovert finds meaning outside the self, in the surrounding world, whereas the orientation of introvert is introspective and finds it within. Each orientation will observe an object or event differently than the other. Jung also identified four primary modes of experiencing the world: sensation, intuition, thought, and feeling..

Sensation is the starting point, the perception of a fact.

From there, we are able to be intuitive or analytical. Intuition is the perception of the unseen, that which cannot be measured. Thinking is analytical, deductive cognition. Feeling is synthetic, all-inclusive cognition.

Let us imagine that a person from each group (Sens, Intu, Thou, Fee) needed to find an apartment [their example was buying a house, but I thought I'd tie it into my life ;)]. Each one would think about an apartment (Apt. 66) differently as they looked at it.

Our good (though perhaps a tad simple) friend Sens would notice, for example, "the floor is a nice hardwood", "it has a large courtyard", and "it is 15 minutes from the subway." Through sensation alone Sens can't put the apartment into a lot of context, but has the barebones information, the data.

On a stormy afternoon Intu might step into Apt. 66 and think that the the seller is hiding something, but also that he would be content here for twenty years.

Thou brings out her planner and puts checks for each item, one because it's closer to the subway, one because it has hardwood floors, she doesn't put one in the column for doorman, she makes a new column because Apt. 66 has a huge fireplace and no other place so far has had that. She writes down the name and number of the seller, and puts a note to herself "large, bald man" to remind herself which guy he was later when she would call back.

Fee thinks the seller is kind of creepy, but knows that having a fireplace down the line will help her forget about that. She figured out that she'll be $15,000 more in debt than if she takes that share apartment in Prospect Heights, but thinks it'll probably be worth it. After making sure that everything would work out ok, she decided to take it.

For Jung, feeling takes time. The feeling shouldn't be misinterpreted as emotion per se, though emotion does play into it. Jungian psychology refers to emotion as "affect" and emphasize its physiological component.

The modes of perception are not necessarily tied to the orientations. Intuition could be extroverted, like thinking about God and what hell is like and if God gets mad everytime you tell a lie, even if it's really small. It's extroverted because it's the world outside of the individual, and it's intuitive because its speculative nature. That intuition could become introverted if you start thinking about what your sins are and if you would be going to hell and how would you be seen in big picture of the cosmos.

A person will develop a comfort level and skill level in whichever orientation and mode he or she is. A person who is an intuitive introvert will be pretty comfortable in a therapist's office. On the flip side, that person will not have developed as much of a comfort level or skill level in something that is an extroverted sensation, like knowing where the fuck his wallet is.

It seems to me that Jung's goal is to see everything through the mode of feeling, both introverted or extroverted. He's kind of saying "hey, through a little mystery in" through definitions and logic. What he's suggesting through the use of really specific and well layed-out parameters is that you shouldn't be entirely analytical or entirely intuitive. Jung doesn't qualify introversion or extroversion as good or bad, but he does qualify the mode of feeling as *best* and all the other modes as *not quite enough* individually. My question is- why isn't intuition alone enough, why isn't thinking alone enough. Why can't someone go through life deciding what he does every moment. Why is that not sufficient. What is the goal here exactly? Maybe this part isn't answered because I'm actually getting my information from wikipedia and I've never read an entire book by Jung. Hey kids, I'm learning ok. DON'T JUDGE MY SECOND-HAND KNOWLEDGE!

The Progressive Metal band, Tool have incorporated Jung's work into their album, Ænima, in particular the song "Forty Six & 2. Additionally, The Police made references to Carl Jung in their album Synchronicity.

Tool and the Police name-drop Jung. How cool is HE!

white walls

wednesday ; 17th august, 2005

they were still hungry at the end
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4 grass ; white walls

monday ; 15th august, 2005

oh she killed him rather quickly, man that woman was truly sickly
like a soldier foot in front of the other and

I'm peeling egg shells in the kitchen and the phone rings, I answer:

"Cassatt's Cafe this oh no wait heheh sorry this is Stephen. Hello?" I was always worried about answering my phone "Pastries by Randolph" because I answered phones so often there, but now I've actually done it. Beautiful.

The other day at Cassatt's I got a call:

"Cassatt's Cafe, this is Stephen.

Oh, is this a business?


We're not supposed to call businesses."


O.o Maybe his job is to prepare the human race for the upcoming alien invasian through telemarketing, but anyone working in food service will be destroyed anyway so they don't need to be prepared.

Anyway, I'm super late for once. I'm not real excited about going because tonight is Kiwi night, which means the asshole womanizing New Zealand cook is going to be there with his MEAT PIES and KIWI BURGERS (with a fried egg and beats) and PORK SCHNITZEL. AND we have two huuuge reservations, one of which is coming to watch a rugby match (?!?) and be loud and rowdy. I tell you what, I am not serving that table. Anyway I need to stop being lazy and get ready.

PS Fiona Apple's album is finally coming out! I haven't bought a cd in a while, the last one I think was Adam Ant... However, I'm going to buy this the day it comes out. I'm also going to buy Björk's Drawing Restraint 9 soundtrack, which I've heard a little of and sounds like a more developed Medulla. Peace.
5 grass ; white walls

wednesday ; 10th august, 2005

there is an old meatball wrapped inside a tinfoil, YEA YEA YEA
I didn't get an apartment on this three-day trip to new york, surprise. I came home exhausted and highly disappointed, with myself and with my situation. As much as I love New York to death, I don't think I can last most of four years there without bursting. BLOUUUUMMMMO.

The days are a daze a daze a doozy.

toes in the sand sun on the hand
stone in the hand sun on the hand
teeth in the mouth sun on the hand
sun on the hand pearly visions ghost me

pearly unclear blurry surely
kittens can give me peace
lies can go unnoticed
unchecked peeling scrawling
winning like a winner

forget my pieces my puzzles
if only to nuzzle in a down
comfort not hurt
pieces invisible to another
further lover another lost mother

Living with clothing with bathing
with making a daydream or far cloud
a nimbus above us plowing away at
some wonderful speed or
living with raw spirit

i forgive myself for lacking
the florescent light that keeps keeps burning
keeps keeps giving the room a yellow buzzing awakeness
i don't forgive flowers bearing raw yellow pollen
neither the bees for taking it from them

an inky party in an inky inn under
a brothel a history and street of lushes languidly lying
a punk rock kingdom as inspiring as ozzy ozymandias
we can still fight with satin fists and satan firsts

i'm a foot in the teeth, a sun in the sand,
some piece of my lung, a small oregon town
a unicorn blanket with gold stars
cool smoke from campfire
4 grass ; white walls

sunday ; 31st july, 2005

Power Rangers
worn out
So I just came up for a Power Rangers villain for a Halloween episode:

Trigger Treat!!11

He'll have giant guns that shoot soggy pumpkins, thus drowning the Rangers in a sea of pumpkin GOO and then he'll brainwash children to pelt our Brave Rangers with hard candy.

7 grass ; white walls

friday ; 15th july, 2005

So I don't have anyone's number anymore. Please call me or comment on here or something with your number so that I have it again.

I've missed New York. I have too much on my mind to really enjoy it though.

It's fun to watch the money slowly go up by the penny on this here internet cafe computron. I once got a half-off sandwich at this place before.

They have webcams here too. It's really hot out. Now I'm probably going to the bowery to see if anything's going on there tonight. I might also go see Momus buuuuut I don't know if that will happen or not.

I'm really bad at playing the game, I don't know how to do it. It confuses me and I just don't have the skills to do it well. I'd rather just talk directly to people. It sucks that I am of that opinion though, it does.

I forgot my id so I can't get into Bobst. :( Dumb dumb.

I'm too warm and too sad for this shit. Noun noun verb noun adjective verb noun noun punctuation conjunction noun verb adjective adjective noun. Doom.

My account is expiring in two days!!1 I don't mind though. Hasta la vista. No more icons, which is probably good too just because it is. It's all good good good.

Livejournal, you're the only one I can talk to. You're such a better listener than anyone else. Everyone else just talks and talks, and no one really gets the gist of what I'm saying. But you just sit patiently and sometimes fuck up my posts, but I know it's not out of spite. It's just cause you're dumb. I'd probably be even more frustrated than I am if I didn't have you, oh my livejournal.
9 grass ; white walls

wednesday ; 13th july, 2005

It's really grossly hot outside, at 1:27 am. This makes me sad. American Spirit Organic cigarettes taste really good. If they were easier to get I would get them more oftener.

I was in a flame war kinda! But it progressed the opposite of what I've seen most flame wars do, because my argument got more coherent instead of less because I was like "hey maybe I should think about what I'm saying before I say it."

In New York I get stressed out, in Virginia I get depressed. Where is the place where I get happy? Maybe Russia. I should learn Russian.

Having lost my cell phone kind of sucks because it's like oh right I'm not really social. And cause I lost the number of someone that I really need/want to call really hardcore. But it also kind of rules because I do a lot less talking on the phone and I have +3 mysterioso points. Well, I'm sure other people don't care but in MY mind I have +3.

Before I fixed my ipod I was listening to public radio more, partly in preparation for the class on it I'm going to take. There's definitely some cool stuff on it and I appreciate no commercials cause you know woo anti-consumerism.

I don't think my facial hair makes me look better but I kind of like not looking better. I kind of desire to be ugly, poor, offensive, and poorly dressed. I don't want to play the game.

I like Cassie because she sleeps just as much as I do. We're marathon sleeping buddies. I'm never as happy as I am when I'm asleep.

I caught part of Les Mis the movie with Claire Danes, and I've decided to read the unabridged novel. I read the abridged in tenth grade and I liked it a lot.

4 grass ; white walls

friday ; 8th july, 2005

i (gasp) am (gasp) in a room i've built myself (gasp) four (gasp) straight walls (gasp)
So I think I bruised my ribs. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make it less like... painful? Also, my triceps are sore and my pectoralises, but only in one specific part. I took some acetaminophen because that's the only thing we have in the house, but it didn't really do shit. I'm going to stretch before work I guess, and then hopefully they'll have some asprin. I hope I don't have eternal damage or some shit. I guess I'm not going to be lifting the tubs of dishes tonight at work.

PS Sneezing hurts!

After tonight I won't have to work until Tuesday, so I might just sleep for three days. Next weekend I'm hopefully going to NY. And hopefully I'll find my cellphone. And hopefully my life will stop sucking and give me a break. Well on the plus side I have some money now. And we all know money is the solution to all problems.

At first the London thing really really upset me, but now I'm better. I find it amazing that things like that aren't more disruptive, and that more people don't stop their lives and be like "whoa." I guess that's what the terrorists would want or something. Also, compared to what goes on in Iraq and Palestine etc. every day, this is pretty small beans. So basically I still think society is fucked up and want to go start a 40 person colony on the dark side of the moon. I get to choose who's coming. They include Regina Spektor, a revived Bill Hicks (he always wanted to go to outer space!), Morrissey, Björk (who am I kidding, she already has a condo on the moon), Brian Eno, and Fiona Apple. I'm thinking about who I would want to live with, you know. Also some real life people but I don't want to point fingers.
21 grass ; white walls

monday ; 27th june, 2005

chinatown bus fun
This is the story of the shitty day of my exodus from Manhattan. I want to remember it, but it's kind of whiny, so be forewarned if you're going to read.
whooCollapse )
3 grass ; white walls

thursday ; 23rd june, 2005

This is what my cat Pookie looks like right now, post-body-shave

In other news, can someone get past this one part on vice city for me, I want to go to the next stage but I definitely don't have the mad skillz necessary to do it.

The story of my adventure to come sometime soon.
2 grass ; white walls

sunday ; 19th june, 2005

Send Torah food for my brain, let it rain til I drown. Thunderrrr! let the blessings come down.
do the roots listen to le tigre?

cuz it fucking sounds like it.

I'm going home on Wednesday. It's more or less official. Now don't all you rush me at once, I need some time to rest here. I am rock star super.

My mood has definitely been better since I decided to go home. I might go to Chicago to see the pitchfork festival thing. It would make my life. Only $22 for a two day pass with Broken Social Scene, Xiu Xiu, the Decemberists, Deerhoof. I haven't heard/listened to a lot of the stuff on it. Maybe it will be indie kid central. If anyone ironically breaks out a hacky sack, I'm leaving. I fucking hate hacky sacks.

So it's pastries again. I told them I wasn't coming back but I LIED, I LIED. They might not need me, since summers are slow and whatnot. I'm afraid I'll just be really quiet the whole time and it'll make everything awkward and uncomfortable. Once I get some sweet sweet sugary cheesecake plowing through my veins though, I bet that frown will turn itself right on up, upsidedown there, hoo me. And I'm a coffee drinker now too, this could be dangerous.

I secretly hope that this girl Nadine is back from Canada or Germany or whereever she went to school, because she was one of my favorite people at the cafe and she left pretty early on. I wonder what will happen if neither job wants me back. I'm totally cool with having a job but the process of finding one and doing your dance for them and them letting you grovel for shitty pay thing is a little tired. The working itself I enjoy.

I was watching late night TV, and there was an astonishing amount of preachers doing their mindwashing televangelism. I suppose it was because, as I realized shortly after I left that wonderous glowing box, today is Sunday. God's day. One of the preachers was this guy who called himself "The Smiling Preacher" (or something more alliterative but to the same effect). He was talking about how if you disobey the smallest authority, you're disobeying GOD. I couldn't help but notice his scathing, slanderous inclusion of teenagers. According to him, even TEENAGERS need to follow all authority. Ho ho! That's going a little far, ok. I can see the housewives needing to obey their patriarch and have dinner on the table at eight. oh. clock. And how many times does he have to tell them to make sure there's cold beer when he gets home. He's exhausted from work (they're lucky they don't have to put up with what he puts up with!) and he'd just like a little peace when he enters unto his property. But hey, that fellow on the tee-vee sure makes it feel like everything's ok with his big smile. And the way he sways back and forth is so calming calming calming. Praise God, just praise Him, amen.

Another preacher sounded at first like he had some sort of speech impediment, but it became obvious that he had absolute control over his weird warbling voice, using its warbles to a) lull the audicence and b) make him look sweet and disabled or something. Hearing a kind of lovable, i've-seen-hard-times-but-then-i-found-Jesus aging man talk about how this (newer?) mixed-up generation (with it's homosexuals!) is full of boys, and he wants GOOD men, GODLY men, REAL men pouring forth from God, into the streets. Why won't you give him what he wants? Thus successfully pounding into a young closeted Christian teenager somewhere that he is NOT and will never BE a true man. Now my good friend likes to call the members of this generation (with so many of the gays!), "boys." However, on this particular subject, I prefer to refer to the discussed group as FALSE men, to make the contrast clear for our viewers. I feel that my friend was truly saying that homosexuals are made of made of Fire, instead of Clay, so they're false. when God commanded the angels to worship Adam, Azazil replied, "Why should the son of fire fall down before a son of clay?" But you know. I think he's just jealous. Who wouldn't want to be made of fucking fire. WOO Metal!
10 grass ; white walls

thursday ; 16th june, 2005

pitchfork wants my sexy body, i know they do
Picked by bard and before by intelligenthong, though this is a different selection of songs. I wasn't going to put this in my journal but I've been thinking about trying to write music reviews. I want to write with an informed opinion without being overly comparitive (sounds like ___ with ____), and I would only give bad reviews to albums that really deserved it.

No particular order:

1. Broken Social Scene - looks just like the sun

Broken Social Scene came out of the Toronto prog-rock music scene players, but instead of art rock decided to focus on pop songs. This song exemplifies the clean, uncomplicated song-writing by standout musicians with which Broken Social Scene has made a name for themselves. These arty pretentious Canadian kids showed bands like Train and Jack Johnson how they should be making music, and did it in one swift album. The drummer is responsible for really hooking me, his technical skill is obvious while showing a huge deal of creativity and feeling. Good fucking music.

2. Primus - My Name is Mudd

I was surprised to find in Primus a more recent exploration to Bauhaus-style rock. The overwhelming presence of synthed keyboards, strings, drums, and vocals in most current goth/dark music can be boring and stifling in my opinion. Primus pulls of a sort of acoustic, bass-driven Residents creepiness. The album this is from, Pork Soda, was released over a decade ago but escapes a dated sound. The dark narrative in this could rival the storytelling of Tom Waits (who appears on a later Primus release) but Les Claypool's funky, memorable bass-playing drives the song.

3. Regina Spektor - Just Like The Movies

In my opinion, she's one of the most versitile and daring song writers that are currently making music. This is one of the songs where Regina does her simple beatboxing in place of a verse or bridge, though those ideas don't directly translate to Regina's music. It would be more appropriate to call them themes or motifs, progressing and interacting. The lyrics are simultaneously cryptic, sincere, and silly. Her voice is put on show in the humming scat moments, and otherwise expressive and consistently in tune WITHOUT the tweaking machine of a soulless producer. This is notablly NOT one of Regina's album tracks.

4. Fiona Apple - Waltz

This is from her finished, unreleased album, Extraordinary Machine, that Fiona's label, Sony Music, doesn't deem worthy of being included with their other recent artistic releases from Jennifer Lopez, Good Charlotte, and Puffy AmiYumi. While Fiona still has some musical wrinkles to iron out, she refuses to stay contained within one sound and uses classic styles without being retro or ironic. The upbeat 3/4 tempo is relaxing and uplifting as Fiona sings about the importance of doing nothing, and her appreciation of people who can shut the fuck up if they don't have anything constructive to say. Reason 964 that Fiona Apple is a badass.

5. Bjoerk - Submarine (Feat. Robert Wyatt from the Soft Machine)

Bjoerk's Medulla was an opera working in the confines of the voice as an instrument. In Submarine she uses Robert Wyatt, the ex-drummer of the psychedelic rock band The Soft Machine, an accomplished and dynamic musician in his own right. Wyatt posseses an incredible range and knack for harmonization, apparent when you realize his voice alone makes up almost all of the song. Bjoerk can be found swimming in the harmony, but is pretty well hidden until a theatrical moment where her voice is centerpieced like a knight entering a crowd. I often get a medieval fair vibe in the narrative landscape of Wyatt's harmonies. The value of the composer is obvious where such complexity is delivered in such a coherent and deliberate fashion. I can't wait to hear Bjoerk's compositions for Drawing Restraint 9 coming out in late July.

I want sophia/forevar to do this too. To drag her away from Warcraft!

I've been spending as much time alone as I can get, but sometimes it's hard to get away from people when you're so close to everyone. I want to move to New Orleans, and partake of some of that Southern relaxation. Just take ev'rythang real slow like. I've been fantasizing about it.

I'm going to go on a strike against consumerism. I'm going to stop dealing with huge corporations, including the obvious fast food places, Barnes & Noble, Duane Reade, and hopefully at some point including smaller corporations that are nonetheless huge and market-controlling, like Kellogs and Cambell's. Once I get a real kitchen and am a little bit settled and more stable, I think I should want to learn how to cook. I enjoy kitcheny things, I can go into kitchen mind-set and become very efficient and stream-lined. Why waste it on doing work to support the work-as-a-lifestyle mentality when I can use it to make delicious inexpensive food for myself? I could learn how to make indian bread and some sort of mushroom soup. Anyway, I need to get someone to force me to do that.

post scriptum: I'm thinking about going home to Virginia before the end of this month. I am depressed and jobless with no motivation. It's so hot that I don't like going out, and going out means I'm probably spending money which is bad. If I go home I don't have to work, but could potentially work very part-time and wake up late. I could also go to the Yorktown graduation, which I would very much like to do. I could read and listen to music without constantly worrying. Any thoughts? Any reasons to stay that I'm not taking into account?
12 grass ; white walls

the world of schmuun

destroy past